Contributed by Jane Goddard:
A new baby! Congratulations and happiness all round…but this is a major change in the dynamics of your relationship – especially noticeable if you were together as a couple for a long time before you had children. Now there’s a new, very small, very vulnerable, and very demanding addition to your family. Many of us finish up resenting some aspects of this new life.
One of the first things to get left by the wayside is the relationship you have with your partner. Here are a few suggestions for maintaining a sexual connection at this time. Most of your attention is understandably focused on the baby just now, and you are both tired, but keeping something for yourselves as a couple is worth it.
Team Effort
Don’t allow it to become something that only one of you takes responsibility for.
Date Night
Have times, however brief, when you pay attention to your relationship with each other. If you can manage it, a date night would be good. You don’t always have to go out, instead try sitting together with something special to eat and drink, the TV off, maybe a few candles, ignore the phone and the emails.
Talk, talk, talk…
You need to be able to talk to each other constructively – not always easy when you feel tired and perhaps overwhelmed. Say what you appreciate about each other (we can get distracted by complaints and demands, and forget to say what we appreciate).
As a general guideline, stick to saying how you are feeling yourself, rather than telling the other person what you think they are doing wrong. It’s a much less confrontational approach and is more likely to get your needs heard. For example: ‘I’m feeling frustrated and sad because I’m missing sex with you so much’ rather than ‘You never want to have sex with me, you clearly don’t care about it’.
Being able to talk about what you do sexually, is very difficult for many couples at the best of times – but it’s the basis for a really good sex life, so it’s worth practising. Even if you don’t get to intercourse as often as you’d like just now, you are laying down good foundations for later.
It’s not just about sex!
Physical contact, even when there’s not time or possibility for sex can help maintain your sexual attraction for each other.
Spend time together naked. Touch your partner and tell him or her what you enjoy – touch, appearance, smell, taste. The woman may feel insecure about her body just now, so hearing from the man what he is appreciating is doubly important. And the man should have his turn on the receiving end of this exploring too.
Say if something feels uncomfortable – but rather than just saying ‘don’t go there’, try indicating what sort of touch or position would feel good instead.
Take turns to give each other a non-sexual massage. This can still be a very intimate experience – you could use massage oils too if you like the idea. Remember that the woman may feel there have been too many demands on her body recently, especially if she is breast feeding – so the physical contact she wants may be quite different from before childbirth, and she needs to be able to say what would feel welcome.
When you do have intercourse, if there is vaginal soreness or dryness initially, try using lubrication.
Say Squeeze!
Ladies, don’t underestimate the importance of postnatal exercises. In France, they even have ‘la rééducation périnéale’, intended to strengthen the pelvic area, as part of the standard postpartum care for French mothers! Postnatal exercises will enhance your sex life in the longer term, so hang on in there…
About the author:
This posting was contributed by Jane Goddard, a COSRT accredited Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist based in Ealing. She specialises in individual and couples counselling. Learn more at www.janegoddardcounselling.co.uk
