California born and Notting Hill based Karen Doherty is a mother of four – three girls and a boy. She is the author of the bestselling books Seven Secrets to Successful Parenting and Sibling Rivalry – Seven Simple Solutions. Karen has lectured and appeared on radio, television and in the press throughout the UK and has inspired thousands of parents internationally to find their natural strengths and to raise confident, cooperative, motivated happier children.
In addition to her books she hosts online (free) tutorials or if you prefer you can book an appointment at her parenting practice.
We recently caught up with Karen.
What inspired you to write a book on parenting?
I went to parenting classes for years and read some wonderful books. What I learned was really inspiring and would have been very helpful – if only I could remember what to do when things were going belly-up with my children! I figured I couldn’t be the only one out there with this problem, so I decided to bring all the material together, simplify it and make easily accessible and a bit of fun. That way it can help as many parents (and children!) as possible.
With a wealth of parenting guides on the market what makes your books different?
My Top Parenting Tips, which are available on my website, are the nuggets – the things every parent should know. I’ve taken the best from the worlds of parenting, psychology, communications, health and nutrition, and made it accessible, easy to relate to and a bit of fun.
My tips help children to be happier, behave better and feel more confident, while improving their relationships with us and each other.
What are your three top parenting tips?
Assuming you’re already Loving and Looking After your children, here are my three Top Tips:
Stop and Think
When things start going pear-shaped with our kids, the very best place to start is to Stop and Think. We don’t need to solve problems instantly – we can take as much time as it takes for us to decide the best way to approach them and for everyone to calm down. Things are so much easier to solve when we’re all more rational. As a bonus, we aren’t jumping in and making them worse!
Listen
Listening is almost always the best thing to do next. Once our children feel we understand them, they don’t feel they need to keep making their point. So they’ll often let issues go. Take going to bed, for example. If we say,
‘Go to bed right now – I’ve had enough!’
we may risk a meltdown that delays everyone’s sleep even further. But if we try,
‘You really wish you could stay up with me,’
It lets them know we know how they feel. We aren’t giving in and saying they can stay up, we’re simply acknowledging their wishes. If they carry on, we can try going even further:
‘Wouldn’t it be great if we could all stay up all night together! C’mon – let’s get to bed.’
But by listening and acknowledging their thoughts instead of arguing against them, they’re more likely to feel we understand, to let it go, and to listen to us.
Appreciate
The best way to get our children to do the right thing is to Appreciate them and tell them exactly what they do right. When children feel good about what they’ve done, they’re far more likely to do it again. So instead of using vague exaggerations like,
‘You’re a genius – well done!’
Try being specific and truthful. That way they’ll know what they’ve done right and they’re more likely to believe you.
‘You worked so hard on your maths you got a good mark. Well done!’
What challenges have you faced in your career?
Overcoming myself has been the biggest challenge. I’ve suffered from panic attacks and stage fright, so it hasn’t been easy; it’s all just part of trying to achieve my goal of helping others. I’ve given a number of talks and been on TV and radio, but you won’t see me auditioning for Chicago any time soon!
Can you offer any advice to women and mums setting up their own business?
When your children are old enough to understand what you’re doing, include them in your thoughts and discussions about it. It can help to give them confidence in themselves and pride in what you do, and help them feel connected to you. As a bonus, you’ll be surprised how often they come up with good ideas.
What is the most rewarding aspect of what you do?
Both when parents say I’ve inspired them to try something new and when parents come back to me and say my suggestions have made a big difference and really helped.
How do you juggle kids and work?
The only way I’ve managed it is by working from home. No commute time and I’m home when one of them is unwell and home from school and during half-terms and school holidays. My typical day is to drop the children, walk the dogs and then focus on work. My working day usually ends when my children get home from school.
What’s your favourite local thing to do as a family?
Taking our two Border Collies to Kensington Gardens is always a hit. Otherwise our family lives seem to revolve around food – common ground for a group of children who are now all in their teens. We have a couple of local favourites, like Portobello Pizza and Eat Tokyo. Itsu takeaway is also always popular, as is Fez Mengal – the Turkish takeaway on Ladbroke Grove.
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